At Least You Have TiVo

Wow, it’s been about a week since I’ve written my last installment. I wasn’t kidding when I said I was busy. I can post pictures again, so scroll all the way down to see a picture of what was under my bathtub.

Thanks to all of you who are keeping tabs with what’s going on in my little corner of the world. I can’t believe I still haven’t made it to the present day yet! I’m sure you can’t either. So without further ado…

My hot friend Ted Rybka whose blog you can visit at http://veryapeaz.blogspot.com left a comment after my last installment that said “At least you have TiVo.” Coincidentally, that is the perfect segue-way into my new chapter. How lucky for him.

When I moved out on my own, Time Warner Cable (henceforth referred to as T.D., as in The Devil) had just begun a “triple play promotion” wherein one receives high speed internet, basic cable and internet phone for $99. A steal. A cheaper version of that was available also, where you get two of the three, so I chose the $69 high speed internet and basic cable package. First of all, they aren’t kidding when they say “basic.” If it’s remotely interesting, I don’t get it. Unfortunately, that includes ESPN and YES, so I never get to see my beloved Yankees trounce foe after pitiful foe. (That includes the sweep in Boston. I missed all of it.) And of course, no HBO, Showtime, etc. Surprisingly though, the internet speed is ok. It’s not your standard high speed, but what they call “High Speed Lite.” It serves its purpose; I can email, im, surf the web and download porn. Works for me. Or does it?

Day 1 of the T.D. nightmare begins literally on Day 1. My appointment was between 12 and 4 on a Friday afternoon. It was either that, or wait for three weeks. So I took some time off work and prayed that the cable dude would come on the 12 side of that window. At 12:30 I looked out my window and there was a Time Warner truck sitting outside with a driver inside. I was thrilled; I would be done with this and back at work by 2:00! At 1:00 he still hadn’t left the truck. Or woken up from his nap. At 2:00 he was still asleep. At 2:30 I called Time Warner and asked for an update. The operator, T.D.’s apprentice, told me that the technician was on another job but that I was next in line. I told her to call him and ask him where he is, because I was staring right at him asleep in his truck. She put me on hold, and I looked out the window just in time to see the guy jump at the sound of his phone ringing. Five minutes later he was in my apartment. Other than the mess he made putting everything together, he was in and out pretty quickly. (Story of my life.) He tested everything, showed me how it all worked (oooh a REMOTE) and left.

I thought it would be a good idea to check my work email to see if any disasters had occurred in my absence, and logged in. I slogged through the 50 or so emails, found one I needed to reply to right away, clicked on “respond” and… got an internet connection error. “That’s odd,” I thought. “my internet is connected. Isn’t it?” Lo and behold, those four glowing goddesses of light that indicate a complete connection to the internet were neither glowing nor twinkling, but flashing ominously. I unplugged it, waited, plugged it back in and it worked fine. For five minutes. “Self” I thought, “It’s best not to get into this now. Go to work, come home and it will be fine.” Oh the young and naïve. I came home that evening eagerly awaiting the gigs of porn I was going to download, and to my surprise… I still had no internet connection. I reset it several times, etc, but to no avail. I should point out here that I had been without cable/internet for two weeks so I was really jonesing. This new development was not a happy one. I got on the phone to Time Warner (which is rather difficult because of my cell phone, a whole OTHER story), got a few dropped calls, and finally got through. T.D.’s apprentice told me that she was getting no signal from my modem. My brand new modem. I had two options; wait for a tech to come out a week from Monday, or take the box to Time Warner myself. Well, tomorrow was a Saturday and I did have the day off, so I figured I would take care of it myself.

Over night, a water main broke near the train I take into the city. Little did I know, though I will readily admit I should have turned on NY1 before I left the house. But I didn’t. So I got to the train and saw the pink tape of death across the turnstiles that meant “no trains to Manhattan.” Ah, delightful. So I decided it was a nice enough day, I would walk to the R train. The R train was skipping the stop nearest my house (and by nearest I mean a 20 minute walk away) and I had to take a train in the opposite direction to catch an express going into the city. I left my house at 10. It was 11:00 and I was farther away from Time Warner than I was when I first left my house, but I finally made it by 12. The funny thing about the Time Warner location is that it is the one… ONE… Time Warner location in New York City. There are 9 million people that live here, and I think it’s a safe bet to say that more than half of those have cable. So I waited in line for an hour, got a new modem, took the train home, plugged it in and… it worked! (Pause.) Temporarily.

I’ve since had three technicians out to determine why I STILL cannot maintain an internet connection, and every one of them has a different answer but no one has found the solution. It isn’t a huge crisis, but it is annoying when you’re chatting, doing your banking or downloading something (porn) and the connection dies. I do know it’s not my computer, because it of course worked fine when I lived in Chelsea. I’ll let you know if it’s ever fixed, but don’t hold your breath.

“But Shawn” you’re saying, “you titled this entry At Least You Have TiVo. What’s up with that?” Funny you should ask. When my cable was installed, I spent hours searching for interesting things to DVR so that I would not be beholden to the Basic-Ass cable. Season finales were coming up, as well as some summer premieres so I figured there was plenty of stuff I could save for later. I set it to record my shows and went on about my business. The following weekend, I had some time to kill and decided it was a good chance to watch one of the ten episodes of Good Times I had dvr’d. (Don’t judge, people, you have your guilty pleasures, I have mine.) I bring up the list, select the episode (JJ moves out after a fight with James!) and push play. And the screen goes blank. About thirty seconds later, the screen flashes a bright blue, the cable box freaks out, and everything reboots itself. “Self” I think, “this is not the way DVR is supposed to work.” I know this because it worked fine in Chelsea.

So I call T.D., (after having two technicians out to look at the internet) and tell them about this NEW problem. They send a technician out (a week later) who replaces the box and ALSO decides to go off on a tangent about how George Bush has destroyed this country by letting all of the Mexicans in who are taking all the jobs from decent Americans. I told him that I agreed, George Bush HAD destroyed our country, but only because we’ve pretty much lost all of our civil rights (hello, you and I can now be jailed indefinitely for no reason) and he scoffed and said “that’s how you catch the muslim bastards.” I shuddered at how loud he said that, given the curry cooking population in my building. Anyway, he replaced my cable box and went on his disgruntled way.

The great thing about getting a new cable box is that you lose everything you’ve recorded! Sweet! So I got to start the whole process over. Flash forward, if you will, to last Friday evening. After a crazy week at work, and after ushering at my least favorite show ever I was thrilled to come home and watch some season premieres I had recorded. I come home, turn on the tv and… nothing. No picture. No signal. Hm. I call T.D., whose pre-recorded message practically tells me the exact street address and apartment numbers of the places in Manhattan where there are service outages, and then says “There are also service outages in: Queens.” For you non-New Yorkers, that’s like saying “There are also service outages in: Chicago.” I get T.D’s apprentice, who tells me that it won’t be long before the service is restored. Surprisingly, she was right.

I pop open a Corona, pick a series premiere I want to watch (“Six Degrees”) push play and I watched the best hour of television of my life. Nah, just kidding. The screen goes blank then flashes a bright blue, the cable box freaks out and everything reboots itself. And as of today I am unable to watch anything I’ve recorded, including several movies I snagged during a free trial period of HBO and Showtime. The service guy is coming on Saturday. I’m going to have some curry waiting for him.

So, no Ted, sadly, I don’t have TiVo and let me tell you, watching tv when things are actually on really bites. Thank god a lot of these shows are available online, but I am seriously freaking out about the Lost premiere. I know not how I’m going to handle that, because I have to work that evening. So if anyone out there is planning on recording it, please don’t erase it until you check with me and for god’s sake no one tell me what happens!

Hope you are well and that your internet is working fine so you can read all this! Don’t worry about me; I've managed to download enough porn to keep me entertained (in five minute intervals) until Saturday when my new cable box arrives.

Up next in Shawn Stories, Verizon Wireless, Prada, George Foreman and Xbox. It’s a strange, strange land, this place called “Astoria.”