We interrupt this Shawn Story to bring you this breaking news. We are getting reports of, and I want to make sure I have this correct… an explosion, yes an explosion… in the oft discussed Molar # 2. We’re going live now to our correspondent in the field.

That’s right Brock, we can now confirm that there has been in fact been a very large, very painful explosion in Molar #2. Witnesses say that for the past year, all has been calm with this tooth and in fact we have been getting reports that Shawn was beginning to believe that perhaps the tide had turned in its tale of woe, but it appears now that the tooth problems are back, and in a major way.

Reliable sources tell us that on Sunday, March 9 Shawn went to bed with what some people here say was a “mild headache,” and then neighbors say he woke on Monday morning to a pain that was apparently intolerable.

“Um, yeah, I never thought this could happen to this kinda guy. He’s always so quiet and I never heard nothing from him. But like, you never know, you know? One day you could be enjoying a Slurpee with no problem and the next day, wham! A cold diet coke is enough to bring you to tears. I really can’t believe it. I mean, if this can happen to him, what about me? I got kids, you know?”

And Brock, we’re now being told that on Wednesday Shawn had reached his tipping point of pain and broke down and went to the dentist. But, and this cannot yet be confirmed, he apparently did not go to the same dentist who caused this problem so many months ago, but to a new dentist recommended by none other than his current boyfriend, Mason!

However, that dentist was stumped and Shawn was sent to an “endodontist,” which we now understand is a dentist that focuses solely on root canals. While there, Shawn learned that his former dentist had in fact not killed all of the bacteria lying in wait in the dark recesses of his tooth, and that it was only a matter of time before this kind of pain would reappear.

But Brock, I’ve heard from a number of people on the ground here that even more shocking than the fact that Shawn is yet again in agony because of Molar #2, but that also, upon leaving the endodontist’s office he was presented with a bill of One Thousand, Seven Hundred Dollars. That’s right, if you put seventeen one hundred dollar bills side by side, that would be equal to the amount Shawn now owes on molar #2. I, uh, I have to tell you Brock, I’ve been doing this for, well, for years now, and I can honestly say I’ve never, I’ve… never, I just, seventeen hundred dollars?! I’m sure I speak for everyone when I say that while this will be a difficult hill for Shawn to climb, uh, we know he can do it and we’re all behind him. Back to you Brock.

Thank you, Silda. Our hearts and prayers are… what? I’m sorry?

Excuse me, this just in…really? No. I can’t believe it.

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry I have to be the one to share this with you, and I can… I can barely believe it myself… but it appears that, yes, we can now confirm, Shawn’s bedbugs have returned. That’s right, the bedbugs have returned! What appeared to be a few innocent flea bites on his ankles were apparently the work of his old friend the bedbug. Elliot, what can you tell us?

Well Brock, this is what we know. Shawn woke up a week ago with a few seemingly innocuous bites on his back and that while he thought it was possible that the bedbugs had returned, he didn’t think it very likely. After all, he had done everything he was supposed to do for some time now, and there had been no sign of them for well over a year.

But Brock, sources tell us those bites are actually the work of what is believed to be a pack of bedbugs hiding somewhere in his bedroom. Witnesses say that right now as we speak, with his tooth throbbing, Shawn is taking all of his clothing to the laundry mat, spraying his stuffed animals and pillows with some cancerous causing materials and awaiting the arrival of an exterminator to start the process of eradicating these evil, evil creatures from his room. His downstairs neighbor had this to say.

“I did not think that the bedbugs I brought to this building from being so filthy and disgusting would make their way to Shawn’s apartment. I honestly thought that the curry I cooked from dusk to dawn would keep them dizzy so that they couldn’t migrate from one apartment to the other. If he likes, one of the ten of us who live in this humble, one bedroom apartment directly downstairs from him can help him move his furniture to clean behind it? It is the least we can do. And please, tell him, if he needs some curry, to go to my store, Ali’s House of Curry and Grime.”

Brock, I will keep you as up to date as I can on this developing story, but as you can imagine, details are itchy, er I mean, sketchy. Back to you.

Thank you Elliot. And finally tonight, we bring you the harrowing tale of how one disc in a spine full of discs can wreak havoc on one man’s life. Cindy McCain is here to tell us that story. Cindy?

Brock, I’m sure you can relate when I say that back pain is no laughing matter. Ha ha. We’ve all had our aches in the morning, but how do you know when something is more serious than the everyday stiffness one gets from being caged in a Vietnamese prison for five years? Well, incredibly, this story also involves Shawn, and it began about a month ago when he began his weekend by throwing the windows open and giving his apartment a thorough cleaning.

After scrubbing every surface, and shining every fixture, he began the final task of mopping the hardwood floors throughout his apartment. All seemed fine until, he says, something in his chest seemed sore.

“I didn’t think anything of it really, just that maybe I had worked out at the gym too hard the day before. Cuz, you know, I’m hot. But by the time I was done with the floor, I was glad it was clean because I was in so much pain I had to lie on it.”

Shawn had experienced what is known in the shady world of chiropracty as “a slipped” or “herniated” disc, wherein the gelatinous material between the vertebrae in your spine seeps out and squeezes a few nerves in the surrounding area. The resulting sensation varies from person to person, but one thing is for sure; it is not pleasant. Pain radiates from one place, then another, as the nerve attempts to untangle itself from the jelly like material, and your fingers sometimes go numb.

Then, as all the other muscles in your back try to compensate for the muscles that the nerve is screwing up, your entire back seizes up and you can’t turn your head, look up, look down, or perform any variation of oral sex on your partner or partners. It is a terrible, brutal thing to watch and I hope that none of you have to. Brock?

Thank you Cindy. And what, if any, treatment is there for this horrible condition?

Well, treatments vary but Shawn’s doctor gave him a series of cortisone injections, followed by a steroid that allows the muscles to relax into their natural position, but also causes significant water weight gain. In fact, some nearby relatives of Shawn have said that it looks as if Shawn is carrying a small bowling ball where his abs used to be, though I’m sure they wouldn’t say that to his face. I’ve been told that he hasn’t been to the gym in five weeks – and counting – and that it shows. Brock?

Thank you. It must be terrible, awful really, for Shawn to have to go through all of these things at a time when he thought everything was going so well. I know if I were his friend, I would be sure to be extra supportive of him during these difficult times, and go out of my way to make certain that he knows he is my most favorite person in this wide, wide world. Or at the very least, I would give him a handy.

We now return you to your regular television program, already in progress.